The title of this post is obviously deceitful.
If I truly had to write the list of skills I do Not have, a book would not be sufficient, let alone a post which should be read in a minute or so.
Hence, I will restrict the list to a partial illustration of those skills that not only I do not possess, but I would like to have.
Dancing. Ah! the art of Terpsichore. In all its variations, from salsa to samba and lambada, watzer, techno-pop, hip-hop plus all those that I do not know. I do not go to clubs or parties, but if I knew how to dance I would. More specifically, my dream would be to dance exactly like Ricky Martin does in the video of “livin la vida loca”. As an aside, if any reader knows Ricky can you please let him know I am available to take dance lessons from him. If I could dance and hit the dance floor without having to be fully conscious of the spectacle I am generating, I would go dancing and it would be so much fun. Instead, since the only form of dancing I can do is a very stiff rendition of the Robot style, I am condemned to wait till Devo music comes into fashion again.
Whistling. The loud version. How do they do it? I even tried to learn, alas to no avail. It would be so handy in so many situations. When you see someone you know at a distance: “Hey mate! Maaate!” and then a whistle! Too easy.
As Maddison suggested, related to this issue is also the inability of blowing chewing gum, however that is a skill I do not really wish to have, its practical value appears to be limited.
Skiing. Definitely a big one. I have visions of Pippo Valeri cruising down the mountain. An aspiration, a role model. I wish I could carve the mountain with certainty, just enjoying the feeling of speed as the ankles gently guide the edges. Or mimicking the effortless elegance of Katherine as she accelerates through the hardest part of a slope. I am not lazy, I have tried. I have more facebook friends in the “ski instructor” category than in any other segment of society. I tried, and failed. I will keep trying
Being Photogenic. This is not my fault, it is genetic. My mum’s genes. Despite her ancient age, there is no record of a picture of her in which she is more than half decent. And on the low side, several of her pics would be not publishable, ever. I have the same problem. Some other people, like Zoe or Zsofia, just stand in front of the camera and immediately know what to do, they just look good. Their pictures are always amazing. In Tokyo two months ago, she said that it is not just about the person being photographed, it is also about the photographer. Yes that is true. There are one of two pictures of me that seem better. Well then given that my collection of selfies seems more like a joke rather than a series of portraits, I lack both photogenic and photographic skills.
The list goes on. Randomly quoting: speaking Japanese and Russian and Hungarian and Bulgarian and proper Australian. Surfing, cutting onions without crying, juggling three balls or more. Playing counterstrike, or guitar hero at hard level. Playing Bass guitar and piano. Wrapping presents. Teleporting. Being more cool and facebook worthy. Doing pivot tables in excel. Knowing how to go to a party (dancing would help).
The list goes on and I suspect many of you -after reading this – would add: writing a decent blog post about the list of skills I do not have.